Thursday, January 19, 2012

Remembering

Sometimes when I think about our time in the D.R., it seems like a dream, another world, in spite of the fact that we left less than a year ago. And other times, like today, I'll suddenly get a "picture" in my mind of a place. The pictures are usually a random place, maybe somewhere along a road, one of our houses, a scene from a mountainside or beach, or even a face of friends or acquaintances left behind. Accompanied by this is a sudden, sharp pain in a part of my heart I thought had healed. Today, during some quiet processing time we were able to have at MOPs, memories came rushing back and I allowed my mind to follow the memories instead of push them back, as I often do. It's different for me to just think about the D.R. vs. picturing actual places and things from the D.R. The former I can do with less emotion. But pictures evoke my emotions. And sometimes, like today, life becomes surreal. Sometimes the present seems like a dream and the past seems like reality. Almost as if I'm waiting to wake from the dream at any moment and find myself back in Jarabacoa.
The best word I can use to describe this is longing. There's no question that I left part of me behind in the D.R. I miss it. But at the same time, I don't want to go back. By that I don't mean never going back to the country. What I mean is, I know we've started a new chapter in our lives. And I don't want to go backwards. While I long for the country and people, I don't long to live there or to go "back" to a few years ago. Because that's not where we're supposed to be right now. And I want to go forward. God has done amazing things in this tough transition. Through the pain He's brought us hope. Trough our trials he's grown our faith. And while our future is still uncertain, we're excited about where He's taking us. Yet sometimes I still feel that longing, a longing just to "glimpse" Jarabacoa again. Or to go out to a favorite restaurant or food stand. Or to ride with Daniel on our motorcycle (long ago stolen) through the beautiful mountains.
Sigh.
Instead, I think I'll eat some pastalon (in the oven), drink some ginger tea, and look through some past pictures. And let memories aid in the healing process.

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